If you’ve ever had the pleasure (and occasional terror) of owning a horse, you’ll know one universal truth: horses are always trying to die. It’s as if they have a secret mission to keep their owners in a perpetual state of panic, laughter, and head-shaking disbelief. Here are five of the most ridiculous ways horses seem determined to meet their end, complete with some humorous insights into their bizarre behavior.
1. Colic - the gourmet catastrophe
Horses, with their majestic presence and spirited nature, can be drama queens when it comes to health issues. Despite their strength, they're prone to various ailments, with colic topping the list. This troublesome condition can strike from the smallest changes in routine to the slightest dietary imbalance.
Colic in horses is like a gastrointestinal mystery thriller—one minute, they're fine, and the next, they're auditioning for the role of the world's most dramatic patient. This painful condition is caused by anything from gas buildup, changes in diet, not drinking enough, intestinal blockages to more serious twists and turns in the gut. It's the equine way of reminding us that, much like humans, sometimes it's the little things that cause the biggest bellyaches.
Pro tip: Never hesitate to call a vet when your horse shows signs of discomfort. Colic is notoriously tricky to gauge- it's often hard to tell if they're just struggling to pass gas or if something more sinister is afoot. Some common signs of colic to look out for include: Pawing at the ground, Rolling or thrashing, Excessive sweating, Restlessness or anxiety, Kicking at the abdomen, Lack of appetite, Reduced or absent bowel movements, Frequently lying down and getting up, Rapid breathing or heart rate.
2. Eating something toxic - no vomiting zone
Surprise! Horses don’t have a diaphragm, meaning they cannot vomit. This means if they eat something toxic, it’s staying in their system to wreak havoc. Picture your horse as a giant, furry vacuum cleaner, sucking up anything that looks vaguely edible. Toxic plants, contaminated feed, even bits of plastic can all pose serious risks.
Imagine your horse eyeing a patch of ragwort and thinking, “Hmm, exotic salad?” Or perhaps considering that mouldy hay as a gourmet delight. Without the ability to expel these dangerous items, they’re left to suffer the consequences, and you’re left with the vet bills.
Pro tip: Regularly inspect pastures for toxic plants, store feed properly to avoid mould, and keep your horse’s environment free from harmful debris. Sometimes, it feels like you need to horse-proof everything, but it’s worth it to avoid those toxic temptations.
3. Cast - the rolling dilemma
Rolling is a horse’s favourite pastime, especially after a satisfying roll in the mud or a good workout. But when they roll too close to a wall, fence, or other obstructions, they can get “cast,” which is essentially a horsey way of saying, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”
Failing on their backs, legs kicking helplessly in the air, being cast is not only undignified but also dangerous. Horses can injure themselves in their struggle or suffer from serious complications if left in this position for too long.
Pro tip: Ensure stalls and paddocks are free from potential hazards. Give your horse ample space to roll safely and check on them regularly, especially if they have a penchant for rolling in risky spots.
4. The Laceration Predicament
Horses, with their boundless energy and playful nature, often find themselves in situations that lead to lacerations. These cuts and tears can occur from sharp objects in the pasture, rough play, or even seemingly innocuous things like tree branches or stable equipment.
It's as if horses see every sharp edge and think, “What’s the worst that could happen if I brush past this?” The result is usually a wounded horse and an anxious owner rushing to clean and bandage the injury.
Pro tip: Keep pastures and stables free of sharp objects and hazards. Regularly inspect the environment for potential dangers, and ensure that fencing, gates, and equipment are safe and well-maintained. Tape bucket loops to avoid nose lacerations. Having a well-stocked first aid kit on hand can also help manage minor lacerations before the vet arrives. Have your vets number handy in your digital stable app.
5. Laminitis - too much of a good thing
Laminitis is a painful and potentially fatal condition affecting the tissue (the laminae) in the hooves, often triggered by overeating fresh pasture. In spring, when the grass is lush and high in sugar, horses seem to think they’ve hit the jackpot. They gorge themselves, blissfully unaware that their indulgence can lead to inflammation in their hooves, causing severe pain and lameness.
Picture your horse standing in a field of green, thinking, “I must eat all the grass!” Before you know it, they’re limping around in pain, and you’re left dealing with the fallout.
Pro tip: Manage your horse’s grazing time, especially during high-risk periods. Use a grazing muzzle if necessary to control their intake without completely restricting their natural behavior. Monitoring your horse’s diet and weight is crucial in preventing laminitis.
Not forgetting the bonus: the dreaded plastic bag!
Due to them being prey animals, horses are naturally afraid of everything that moves –alive or not – which also includes an irrational fear of plastic bags! Despite their size and strength, a harmless plastic bag fluttering in the wind can send them into a frenzy. It’s as if they see a bag and think, “Oh no, it’s the horse-eating monster!”
This intense fear can cause horses to bolt or injure themselves trying to escape the perceived threat. It’s almost comical to see such a powerful animal spooked by something so mundane, but the risks are real.
Pro tip: Desensitization training can help your horse overcome this fear. Expose them to various stimuli in a controlled environment to help build their confidence and prevent panic-induced accidents.
Conclusion
Owning a horse is a delightful yet daunting responsibility, full of unexpected challenges and moments of sheer disbelief. While horses have a remarkable talent for getting into life-threatening predicaments, with vigilance, knowledge, and preventive care, many of these risks can be mitigated. Keep a close eye on your equine friends, always be prepared for the unexpected, and remember to laugh (and maybe cry a little) along the way. After all, horses will be horses, and keeping them safe is just part of the adventure.
